all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
