here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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