can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
