I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
