I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
