People in love make me want to vomit
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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