WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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