The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
