he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
