There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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