I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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