i already hear my dad disowning me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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