i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
bring money and cleavage
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
