Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
