Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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