he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
