The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
