You can't special order awesome
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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