I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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