I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
