i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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