so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
