Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This baby is an asshole
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
