Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
