haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize