Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
