Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I deserve to be covered in dicks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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