dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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