so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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