remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
