her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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