I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
