The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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