So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
