I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
