I wish I could punch you in the face.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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