remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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