All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
nutella sex= disaster
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
