Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
