You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
