Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
not ubering you a puppy
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
