my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
