hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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