dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
