Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
