i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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