Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
