I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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