Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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