I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My liver just broke up with me...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize