Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You made out with two different species that night
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize