our cab driver is having phone sex.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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