Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
