i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
